Fire

آری، آری ، زندگی زیباست زندگی آتشگهی دیرنده پا برجاست گر بیفروزیش، رقص شعله اش در هر کران پیداست ورنه، خاموش است وخاموشی گناه ماست سیاوش کسرایی / / / / / Life is like fire, can burns forever. If we turn it on we can see flame dances from far away, other wise its dark and thats our fault.

A firend says: Men are like blender, women wants them, but tehy dont' know why.

The Art of decition making: When I fallow my heart and make a decition, when my mood change, when i dont' have all those nice and warm feeling then my decition would sounds stupid. If I completely trust my mind then I can feel that my heart is left behind. Some times I become a way emotional, I like this side of me, its my hidden side and feels nice to recall it. But I'm having a hard time following my heart and my mind together to makea my decitions, some times i just want to leave every thing aside, and get back to my life. But some thing inside me enjoys all these emotional roller costere things, all these up and downs, all these getting lost in feeling, all these headaches. Today in philosophy class I find out that Nietzsche belives that things are combined together with thier opposites, His main point is when u feel your emptiness then you can achive feeling of fullfillment. I don't know how that might be possible but I don't want to give it a shot now. you know life is beautiful with all these uncertainities, and all these doubts, and headaches. you know if every thing was in a simple sweat way, then thigns would have get so boring. Its nice to try and not give an answer and then try and try harder. Its nice that we can experiance lots of diffrent feeling during short period of time. Its nice that we can love ppl around us. and those who are not around us, and those who don't love us. being able to love some one could be a very nice feeling. although if it doesn't make sence, "why" Aristotle belives that you have to make all your decition with your mind and by using logics. A firend of mine from Afghanistan got engaged. She is very beautiful and sweat. she is one of those girls that at the school her beauty catch your eyes. I asked her about the lucky guy, She responded: He livesin Afghanestan, his dad died long time ago, and he has 9 sis and bro, 2 of his bro are sick and its very hard for thier mother to support them. She decided to marry that guy to help his familly.

Goftam zamane eshrat didi ke chon sar amad? Gofa khamooosh hafez in ghose ham sar ayad.

The prayer: KHoda ya Help me to achive 3 things: Iman; Beleive: So I can keep my heart in peace and be sure There is a better, brighter feature for me always. and know that there is no limitation to what can I reach. a faith to have a dream. Jorat; Ability: To follow my biggest dreams, An ablity that makes me go for the best, and give me the " jorat" to change what is not perfect. The "JORAT" and the "ABILITY" to go for the best, and not settele for imputiy An ability to help me work hard and hard and hard. Eshgh; Love: So I can love whatever whitin and outside me, and have an open heart toward what happens around me. So i can have a liguid sweat heart in the way that in each and every situation I can keep my identity, betoonam mahiate khoodam ro hefz konam, ama shekle oon zarfi / sharayeti ke toosh ham gharar gereftam ro peida konam. ama ba ghalbi maye ye eradeye ahanin dashteh absham.

find lots of ppl to love and give them the chance to love u, dont hold back.....let it flow. Daria

سفله طبع است جهان بر کرمش تکيه مکن


ای جهان ديده ثبات قدم از سفله مجوی

By the way my Firend came from Iran and she brought some gifts for every body, which was very very nice of her, Seems like she did care and choose the gifts for evey one, she 've got some thing special for every one. SHe even brought a small and cute mirror for school's cleaning lady. ( well we are firend with this lady, she makes us some cookies, and onece she told us she wants to donate her kidds dresses, and weather or not we want to look at them, !!!!!!!!!!!! I Remember that time me and my firend was so shocked!!!! )

Any ways she got me a very cute neckless,
dele hamatoon besooze!

Every thing is good, feeling much better, and not thinking about the getting to conclustion anymore, i've got to some results yesterday that atleast would make me feel better!

LAst night I was nagging for 2 hours, at least it was some sort of revenge!I was totally screwed up for 2 days and I don't think it was a bad idea he bear me for 2 hours. The point was he didn't even has a smallest clue what did I go thought and that was why he was wondering why I'm not calling him and I'm not so happy talking to him at that moment.


some how he might be correct, I've learn in my life not to show my feeling when they are on their peak. ( is this correct grametically?!) and I usually respond to them later on, I usually can't talk when there are so much presuusre on me. I have to cool down, and tehn start to analayses whats going on.


And he believe that I'm very sensetive and I think so much. He feels like I go through what he is saying and get to some conclusion which may not be true.
He believes that I shouldn't cre so much on what he is saying.


Well....

Seems both parties are right probably thats one of the diffrenaces between men and women.

I think i like him so much, probably its beacus i know i can't have him,
I know that these are just feeling, feeling that will be waved by days, probbaly in 2 weeks i'll be normal again, I don't know if I want to be normal, the same life, with no excitations. atleast right now i have soem thing to cry about.
I know its just me,
craving for love some one freely.
I know its not all about that, I know love him, freely now, I know its my own challenge, wheather i choose to love him still or not.
If you know some thing wouldn't work and probably u don't want it to work would u still put all ur love in it?
well, probably it just depends to the goal of ur love, for which sake u r trying to love some one, specially when u know its just u, and the other person wouldn't feel as strong as u r.
probably i would say:
" daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh
do u read what r u writting?"

mmmmmmm,
one of the other thing I'm afraid is if i love him this way, i will become gay.!!!!!!
thats maybe the biggest challenge!


The only thing is from begining the only purpose of our firendship was to be better, support each other but go our own specefic way ( although i was always agianst the last one!)


I know my feeling is not all about "the best good" I know there r lots of pleasure mix with it. pleasure of remembering good memories of time we spend together, pleasure of having some one that u can " khodoeto barash los koni" and some one how treat u in sweat ways. there r the pleasure and also peace of mind,
I know that when i have them all, i used to asking my self was it all? and regardless how much i liked him that time, my answer wasn't fullfill me, and i wanted some thing more.


i know when i get used to some pleasure or habbits it is hard to let it go, ( should i let it go?) maybe I'm scared that i can't get to this point again.
u know just couple of weeks ago, i was thinking there r lots of nice great ppl around, guys and girls, lots of them could be much better than him, and there were lots of guys who had thsoe things i consider as "values". and it was just the matter of "click between 2 ppl" ( which i'm not saying its an easy thing to happn)

but right now again i fell in the trap that even if they r, they r not around.


I think the "Click" part is an important thing, when I look back, I know that all guys in my life they love me more than he does, but I was the one who didn't have the same feeling for them. or even if I did, those times things were more smooth, during these period i was emotionally ona rollercoseter, and at least i never cry for any guy till now...

u know, one of his big advantage was I knew taht he thinks about me as much as i did, but i'm sure that also changed.


feels like my heart is burning and with each glass of water i drink my heart sizzles.

I know that this is just me who is burning from inside, and I know I'm burning just beacuse I know things wouldn't work out. ( I know I don't want to get married with a guy like that though!)
Still he has lots of great characters that i'ven't find it in most ppl.

maybe this experiance was intresting beacuse I would never think I would fell like this, and I still know this is the begining i can love him deeper and deeper.
Maybe, not maybe fore sure thats the opportunity I don't want to miss, I don't want to look back and think that I had the opportunity to have the capacity to love some one so deep and i didn't.

But I'm not sure, If I give it a try,
and I let my love for him grow, so it become like an old tree, with beautiful branches, at that moment how can i love other person from begining?

If u love some one so unconditionally, and deeply, if u be inlove with some one, how can u let ur self have relation with otehr guysss? and expect to love them that much?

( sounds like its so easy when u write it, but I'm sure its diffrent in reallity)

u can like 2 ppl at the same time, i did it too, but I'm not sure if I'm inlove with some one, how can i fell for some one else,
or how can i kiss some one else, if i' m inlove with some one else? ( well i think thats easy! but for sure that kiss would not be a kiss out of a love or great emotion.)

and I'm afraid if i love him with no expectation, not even expecting a pleaser in our relation, then i get used to it. then i can't kiss any guy any more.
( don't call me divoone, if u r leaving in iran!) the point is not kissing or not kissing, its wat u expect from a relationship, and wat kinda habbit u will get used to in a relationship, and usually when u fix ur level of relationships or u get used to a habbit by CHOICE, specially for long time, then u can't easily change it. and thats the part i'm afraid of.

Thanx so much to Daria joonam, that told me to talk, and experess my feeling and thought while i was so upset and ghati pati.

thanx khooshgelam.
makes me feel release, Although i still didn't get to conclusion

در قمار عشق ای دل کی بود پشيمانی

i wrote this couple of days ago, i wanted to complete it then publish it, but the feeling was gone, I love that feeling, thats why i'm gone publish this, some how now, things are diffrent , every thing is a challange, exactly challenging all i wrote here couple of days ago:



I found my hat :)
I still don't know how it was lost and how it was found, but I'm so happy.
i wasn't pset cuz i lost it, but i had a feeling that its a sign, I was some how afraid of that, maybe it wasn't jsut a hat, it was almost a series of things that happen, and i had a feeling that I have to pay attentions to all these signs, and be more careful.
Yesterday we talke for a long time, and I told him all things which was locked in my heart. those words were really have been locked in my heart, and i felt released.
It was too much informations and some how pressures on me, and I knew I coudn't decided with my mind! ( well nothing in this story make so much sence if i want to use my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) maybe beacuse I'm more a logical kinda person, who need to have a certain reason for important actions that i take, and its kind of hard to let it go.

The best thing about this firendship is we both know its just a firendship, and we are not gone pressure it for some thing to happen, and the deal is we remember there is no expectation in between, this is some thing that i'm very comfortable with at this moment and I know

a question:

IN your relatio ships, how often u make ppl do some thing they don't want to do, in the way they don't even noticed it? honestly? or how much u use politics in your every day life?

ye soal:

cheghadr tooy rabetatoon, mardom ro khar mekonid?
ya cheghadr motaghedid ke bayad mardom ro khar kard ya film bazi kard ya siasat be kharj dad tooy zendegi ta movafagh bood?
( hame in kalameh ha aslesh yeki, bazia moadabane tar ya mohtaramane tare)

vaghti ke bad nemioomad,
kolahamo bad bord
hala bayd yeki ro peida konim dobare kolah saremoon bezare!

In the morning things were really nice, i was so energetic and happy and there were lots of things I wanted to write to my "dooste gerami" things that made so much sence specially when u get to some conclution and after that u listened to a philosophy lecture for an hour and half.

afternoon a firend of mine called who just came back from a trip when I visited him i was still energetic and happy and probably with lots of confidance ( i think i owe it to "dooste gerami") and i wouldn't care to hide my feeling. meanwhile i discover a secret, and he was very concern about it!. any way the conversation continued and after 2 hours talking he was like

" I'm afraid of ur eyes "
-----and I was like: "Am i that scary? "!!!!!!!!!!!

and then "kiss me plz" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"just one kiss"

I'm not exactly sure what takes things to this stage?
was it my hair and my make up? ( kelase kharaki bezarim! ;) ) or me being energetic happy and mean!
this was the same guy that almost a year ago, when we just met, i spend the whole night in his lab, studying, and that time all he did was offering me a cup of coffeee.

the funny thing was when he was sayign those things, i remembered my superviser told me he saw him chick to chick with one of the other girls. ( u know small comunity, things won't hide!)